SteaKnight: Eighteenth Knight, 12.13.2007

HEB started off the email discussion for a December Low End by stating that going forward December (due to the holidays) will be the only month in which SteaKnight will be switched from the traditional third Thursday to the second Thursday. He then posited three suggestions for locations...Outback, Sizzler and the Red Lobster. Each location had its drawbacks. Outback is in Daly City. Despite HEB's pleas Sizzler suffers a double setback. It is located in Daly City and, well, it is Sizzler. Red Lobster is in San Bruno. It was clear that the Knights might be heading out of the city of San Francisco for the first time in their quest for steak.

Three conclusions were reached after the opening salvo. The first is that leaving the city of San Francisco was somewhat unpopular. Second, a surprisingly large number of Knights were willing to visit the Palace Family Steakhouse for the third time. Finally, MPH would need a ride if the Knights decided to go forward with plans outside San Francisco.

As frustration mounted, HEB, citing the fact that the Knights had just been there in August, administered a thundering veto to the cries for the Palace and went back to the drawing board with some new options.

1. Mario's Steak and Chophouse

2. The White Horse Restaurant and Tavern

3. Outback

A second volley of emails erupted and as the dust settled a few items were determined.

• Mario's Steak and Chophouse had terrible reviews on MP's much shilled yelp.com website...though the idea of staying in the city was attractive to some Knights.
• The White Horse was a popular option with many Knights. RMD, though he wasn't attending due to a mustache cultivating fundraiser he was attending, registered his opinion that the White Horse Restaurant and Tavern should never be considered because there is not one mention of steak on their menu (though ATG proved that they do offer a filet).
• The Palace proved to still be popular with the hoi polloi as a write in candidate despite HEB's strong rebuke during the previous exchange.
• MPH would need a ride if the Knights decided on Outback

In the end, HEB's typically consensus-building nature as president of SteaKnight was belied by a stern dictatorial decision that pointed the SteaKnight compass toward Outback! MPH would need a ride.

Your hard-working correspondent arrived a spot late to the dinner but by that time one Blooming Onion was already done in and another was on the way. Hearty beers were served to those in need and the revelry began.

• MPH paid for kickball season but hasn't gone while MP has met a lady through kickball
• SteaKnight will be amazingly boring when we are all married
• MP is allergic to any tree that give off airborne particulates, which, unfortunately, Christmas trees do. Once again, this surprised precisely no one
• HEB claims that a blumpkin is neurologically impossible but many contested this fact not based on experience but rather principle
• The succession plan for HEB's pending departure from the city of San Francisco was discussed. Who will take the reigns of this noble organization and best serve the rich tradition that has been established? The names of RMD and Turbo were suggested but many predicted the former would be too bossy and the latter's horns might get in the way.
• MPH had a twisted tale about a subleaser that is winding its way through the judicial system. The question was asked and, no, it's not possible to blow someone to get out of the situation.
• As talk of the next SteaKnight began, HEB, in a dramatic departure from his usual approach, forefully told everyone that the next Steak Knight would be a Brazilian steak house located in the city. With a mild amount of pressure he rescinded the bold statement but the Brazilian place is still ranking high with the Knights as the next site. At this moment the Knights agreed it would be appropriate if all of our signifcant others got Brazilian waxes on Brazilian night.
• It was unanimous that FH and MPH have the best skin of all the Knights.
• Can girls get electrolysis for hairy breasts? Either no one knew or no one was talking.
• ATM mentioned how catchy the theme song for Outback is on the radio
• The Knights fell is deep love with the round table. It enabled all Knights to converse with each other and didn't create sub conversations the way the rectangular table does. The Knights should strive for round tables wherever possible.
• JB told a harrowing tale of getting cock-blocked by a 20 year old in Beijing as he tried to work his charms on some locals
• 4/9 of the Knights in attendance thought that a post-ejaculate pee was very, very pleasurable. The others either disagreed or hadn't ejaculated yet.
• HEB posited that Sprinkler Dick sucks
• ATM saw 500 Santas screaming, yelling and drunk in the streets of San Francisco recently
• It was generally agreed on that any unforeseen financial windfalls in a Knight's personal life should be contributed to the funding of Low End nights. JB was in particular agreement on this subject, stating that if he had a check for $12 million USD he would treat to Low End. Surely the Knights will hold him to his word.
• MP doesn't like facial hair because it itches

Upon conclusion of the dinner, the Knights agreed that the first Daly City SteaKnight was a rousing success but that everyone thoroughly hates Daly City.

Total Bill: $365.80

HEB (seventeenth Knight)

STB (sixteenth Knight)

ATG (sixteenth Knight)
Turbo (fifteenth Knight)
MPH (fourteenth Knight)

JB (thirteenth Knight)

ATM (tenth Knight)
FH (seventh Knight)

MP (sixth Knight)

SteaKnight: Seventeenth Knight, 11.15.2007

Whenever the Knights stray from tradition it always stirs up a well of dissent and November was no different. Our benevolent leader, HEB, started out with the good intentions of moving SteaKnight from the traditional third Thursday of the month to a new day to help accomodate the large number of Knights unable to attend on the traditional Thursday. This sparked more than a little protest but, nevertheless, the date was moved up a week to 11.8 instead of the traditional 11.15. Only HEB's stern admonishments of "Answer my damn question and stop focusing on Turbo and STB's gay antics" brought order back to the fray. When the dust settled HEB declared that the asshole loses (RMD) and the asses win (everyone else but mostely Turbo and STB for their gay antics). MPH tried to re-cloud the situation by performing the duties of an 11th hour semantics surgeon but the decision was already made...11.8 it was!

Alfred's Steak House, a San Francisco insitution since 1928, was to be the location of the November high end month. Your humble correspondent went over to ATG's house for a pre-Knight cocktail. Soon HEB came by and the trio of Knights were on their way to the restaurant. RMD, MPH, MP and Turbo had already saddled up to the bar when yours truly arrived with his companions and soon thereafter FH arrived to make the group complete.

The Knights convened at a long table and the service proved to be lackluster. As a result, the Knights ended up having plenty of time for conversation.

• MP brazenly challenged Turbo to an "email off", claiming that he was sure that he received more email in a business day than Turbo. The challenge was not immediatly accepted and Turbo ended up saying that he believed MP when he said that he received more email in a business day than he.
• RMD is happy that he has tied the knot as now he only needs to fool one girl for the rest of his life instead of a bunch of women
• Is there a SteaKnight prison...or dungeon where if you do something you could be banished to? No one seemed to know.
• HEB once again brought up the possibility of Sizzler and was promptly shot down
• The question of how to pronounce the country of "Qatar" came up. The answer turns out to be rather complicated.
• A rule apparently materialized out of the ether..."you can't screm 'scraggly' or 'wrinkly'!" We'll see if this is enforceable
• HEB continued to try to defend his "upstairs" preference but, as always, it is a very, very, (very) shaky defense
• RMD is lucky he got married; he was going broke on match.com
• You can use Theraflu as lube...as well as a "liquid panty remover"
• Desperate Housewives is unwatchable
• MPH at one point had to justify the contents of his wallet to a disbelieving crowd
• Turbo and MPH had a conversation about Lost and it was subjected to an on-the-spot vote and deemed the most boring SK conversation ever
• RMD can remember really liking Friends
• Turbo bided his time after the Sizzler discussion and finally suggested CheeseSteak for a low end visit
• RMD has a GI Joe #1 magazine format comic that has a UPC code on it instead of a Snake-Eyes logo

Throughout the course of dinner the server appeared to go into a form of temporary extinction, only to emerge after an entirely too long of an absence. Perhaps there is hope for the dodo and carrier pigeon after all. The gaps in the server's appearance were so long it would've been appropriate to reintroduce himself when he finally did reappear as I imagine that most of us had forgotten what he looked like by that point. To top off the less than mediocre service, Turbo ordered cheesecake (perhaps planting a subconscious seed with the other Knights such that CheeseSteak would remain fresh in their minds?) and received bread pudding. Lovely.

Total bill: $549.04

HEB (sixteenth Knight)

STB (fifteenth Knight)

ATG (fifteenth Knight)
RMD (fourteenth Knight)

Turbo (fourteenth Knight)
MPH (thirteenth Knight)
FH (sixth Knight)

MP (fifth Knight)

SteaKnight: Sixteenth Knight, 10.18.2007

The battle over the Low End night on 10/18 began in a tangled exchange of emails as all Knights had to weigh in on a Sizzler vs. Lucky Penny debate. There are few things that the Knights despise more (besides texting at the table) than leaving the jewel of San Francisco to indulge in their monthly gathering. It's clear that our beloved President HEB has a special place in his heart for Le Sizzler which lies in Daly City. It might as well be in the Hebrides considering the disdain and venomous bile upon with which the suggestion was viewed. And thus, the eternal battle of San Francisco SteaKnight continued, with HEB promoting a visit to Sizzler yet going down in flaming glory. Surely he is reserving some fight for the future so he can continue to resist a Knightly visit to CheeseSteak. Turbo claimed that the Penny was a diner that happens to serve steak in an attempt to position CheeseSteak as a future selection. However, ATG invoked a Google StreetView to prove that the sign did indeed say "Steak House". Surely we haven't seen the last of the Sizzler vs. CheeseSteak battle.

But the Knights had (mostly) agreed on the Lucky Penny this month. And they were off!

As the Knights trickled into the restaurant they were seated in a far corner but somewhat in view of the playoff game between the Red Sox v. Indians. This was essential for Turbo, being the die hard Sox fan that he is. The waitress proved to be quite a treat, brandishing admonishments on all attendees but mostly HEB and JB. However, she let out a noticable groan when MP ordered sourdough bread with his meal. After JB's order (which he placed while concurrently being verbally slammed from the top turnbuckle) he did give the waitress a streetwise knuckle pound as she gestured for him to give her the menu. This is the first and hopefully not the last Knight/server knuckle pound we will see during our monthly gatherings.

Other talking points were:

• ATG reiterated the rule of no texting at the table. It's not because it's not safe, it's just because we don't want it.
• JB has not done a dangerous backslide with his former inamorata. This is highly commendable!
• MPH loves kickball and has just joined another league
• ATG and STB "rocked OH" with ATG's sister and STB's wife, who happens to be the same person
• MP is lactose intolerant, which surprised precisely no one
• Turbo did an impression of himself doing Borat, which was an interesting turn on an old favorite of the group
• ATG was in Philly and forgot to drink Yuengling. It was 7 in the morning but this is still no excuse for missing out on sampling this fine, regionally exclusive nectar
• STB and AZ discussed how being a pediatrician is the anti-strip club. An explanation is in order. While carrying out the duties of a pediatrician, it makes you not want to have children for all of the exposure to sick, "exploding at both ends" tots. As a result, having children of one's own may become a less desireable goal. However, while visiting a strip club, one is exposed to only the good side of women, creating a more desireable goal than might be the case, if, for example, one were to discuss the situation in the Middle East with any given gentlemen's club entertainer
• STB described the rules in his household as "Welcome to Bolognaville". The interpretation of this statement was up for debate.

Those brave enough to order steaks were far from rewarded. In fact, it appeared that the steaks were prepared with a bit of spite as no cut of meat could possible achieve this level of despair on its own. The Knights had ordered some quite delectable appetizers...jalapeño poppers and mozzarella sticks (among others) so that held over those disappointed by their steak ordering outcome. Most Knights ordered dessert and were able to select from a host of shakes and pies. It was a very enjoyable low end evening and our server was most certainly the highlight. Although HEB's loaner car, covered in hearts, did give the server a run for the crown. As is becoming SteaKnight tradition, some Knights cruised over to the Pig and Whistle for a nightcap before heading their separate ways.

Total bill: $231.93

HEB (fifteenth Knight)

STB (fourteenth Knight)

ATG (fourteenth Knight)
RMD (thirteenth Knight)

Turbo (thirteenth Knight)
JB (twelfth Knight)
MPH (twelfth Knight)
MP (fourth Knight)
AZ (second Knight)

SteaKnight: Fifteenth Knight, 9.20.2007

As the Knights celebrate a full year and a quarter of steak consumption and still going strong, they decided to head to the ballpark to enjoy the mood in the neighborhood where the horribly insufferable Giants ply their trade.

Originally the Knights had planned on eating dinner and then taking in a game but logistically this proved to be too arduous so they settled on going to the park and enjoying the ballpark atmosphere of Acme Chophouse.

The road leading up to this decision was a rocky one though, filled with a swirl of bitter email missives tinged with a sense of whine over the subject of exactly what the process is for inviting new Knights to the gathering. The topic had been frequently discussed at previous SteaKnights but a conclusion was never reached. A good ground rule for inviting new Knights was suggested by MP...that being that we should determine how many people we are looking to have on any given SteaKnight and this number should determine how many Knights we would invite. So, for example, if we wanted to have 10 Knights in attendance we shouldn't invite 50 Knights to attend as there would most likely be far too many. In the same vein, we shouldn't invite 5 because then we would have a very unlikely chance of getting our magic number of 10. Few could find fault with this line of reasoning.

As the Knights began to filter into the restaurant and the baseball fans started to filter out as game time approached, the high end night began.

After the new initiates fallout, two new Knights did brave the turmoil and show their faces at the gathering. AZ and D were welcome additions to the crew on this evening and we extend a hearty huzzah to them!

We also welcome a new nickname for JLM that the Knights who arrived at the bar early enough agreed on...enter Turbo!

As the Knights gathered around the table, JB made it known that this SteaKnight was a bit of a milestone for him. He had moved to the city and broken up with his girlfriend. We assume the two events weren't related unless his girlfriend considered the city a den of thieves and villainy. Had that been the situation it was better still that she had no knowledge of the secret society of rapscallions that gathered on the third Thursday every month...which takes us back to the present!

There were several Knights who were late and as the clock ticked away some of the Knights considered placing a penalty of a shot for every 6 minutes of late time but that will have to be voted on at a later time.

Once all the Knights did finally arrive it was business as usual, with a healthy selection of appetizers being ordered and circulated along with a steady flow of cocktails, beer and wine. AZ disclosed to the Knights that he has already had to valiantly fend off the inquisitions of his feisty lady friend to protect the sacred secret of SK. Well done! Some remarked that the notion of secrecy surrounding SteaKnight is a joke but most still strive for this noble ideal.

It should be noted that RMD showed up wearing a shirt that had snap buttons. This is appropros to absolutely nothing other than the fact that this might have been a SteaKnight first (and maybe last?)

As is tradition, the location of the next SK was brought up and HEB was shot down in spectacular fashion when he once again tried to ram through Sizzler as a low end location. For one, the Knights appear to be quite averse to leaving the 7x7 square of San Francisco. It does make sense, considering that a healthy dose of devil's brew is consumed at the monthly gathering as well as the fact that the vast majority of the Knights do live in the city. Still, will Sizzler ever have its day? Another possibility that was considered was a BYO at ATM's new pad. But there were questions as to whether he would be in town for the event. Another tradition is that the next SK location is rarely actually decided at SK. Instead, it is beaten like a dead Clydesdale in numerous emails that run the gamut from questioning sexual orientation to what time the ball game starts to what night SK will happen to restating the blatantly obvious. It's all part of the charm one welcomes into their life when they become a SteaKnight.

Other topics of conversation included:

• SK anniversary in Vegas? RMD and STB will head there next July to renew their vows (it's been a tough 2-3 months already) at a drive-thru wedding chapel and this would be the perfect opportunity for SK to take their show on the road
• RMD claimed to be the glue that brought Turbo to SK
• "Maybe" Tori Spelling is dumb
• AZ retracted an explanation about what time he gets up, but reiterated that he does enjoy scotch
• The accusations were flying about RMD being a "Notre Dame guys" now that he has married into the coven. He didn't exactly deny the allegations.
• RMD called for no man-chants, much to the chagrin of ATG and your humble correspondent who are the most eager man-chanters in the group
• Turbo said something funny about the A's
• The recent implosion of the Red Sox was thoroughly discussed
• Brian Bosworth is Kate Bosworth's father
• Brian Bosworth and Tony Mandarich were two terrible draft choices
• A massage by a man or woman turns on RMD
  

Once dinner had arrived the server came back around with a new bottle of red and MPH complained of his meager portions. RMD called SteaKnave on him and requested him to pipe down. The dinner went smoothly after that and toward the end of the meal the ballgame started to let out so there was a healthy crowd parading by the restaurant, sullen due to yet another Giants loss. The bill turned out to be a bit of a debacle when MP turned out to have no cash, claiming that there were no ATMs on his 'plex since everything there was free. RMD told MP he found it odd that he couldn't have gotten cash from any of the 20 ATMs within a 2 block radius of the restaurant but overall MP was let off easy.

The Knights soon left the restaurant and many chose to join up with some of the melancholy fans at a nearby pub for a nightcap.

Total bill: $783.38

HEB (fourteenth Knight)

STB (thirteenth Knight)

ATG (thirteenth Knight, first FalseKnight)
RMD (twelfth Knight, first FalseKnight)

Turbo (twelfth Knight)
JB (eleventh Knight)
MPH (eleventh Knight)
ATM (ninth Knight)
MP (third Knight)
AZ (FirstKnight)
D (FirstKnight)

Fantasy Football of both Kinds

A handful of the Knights are trying their hands managing a fantasy squad this year with both the NFL and the English Premier League. After the second week of competition yours truly is at the top of the heap with RMD languishing at the bottom of the table and four other Knights filling in the spaces in between. After a stunning offensive game by the Bengals in the second week against STB's beloved Browns ATM is challenging for the top spot. It's still early in the season but for now the table stands at:

STB 278.14
ATM 260.10
MPH 237.12
JB 221.58
ATG 168.84
RMD 156.38

On the EPL front honorary Knightship has been bestowed upon some internationals since most of the Knights whined that they "didn't know anything about soccer". Clearly not being familiar with many of the players in today's NFL hasn't prevented yours truly from domination thus far. Regardless, two of the regular Knights (STB and ATG) and two honorary Knights (GM and GP) are participating in the fantasy league. And just to further prove the argument "don't know anything about soccer" has no merit, our very own ATG is sitting at the of the table with an impressive 277 points! After a weak early showing STB has stormed back into second place with a score of 210. Thus, heading into the seventh week the table stands at:

ATG 277
STB 210
GM 199
GP 195


ATG's lead will be tough to surmount. Will the other lads be up for it? The question of who will ultimately claim the crown of Fantasy NFL and Fantasy EPL is far from decided.

SteaKnight: Fourteenth Knight, 8.16.2007

For the summer months of BYO SteaKnights the Knights once again rolled into the familiar residence of HEB. The locale is a perennial favorite of the Knights due to its numerous modes of entertainment. From the 62" television to the Ms. Pacman cocktail arcade game to the Foosball table to the Twilight Zone pinball game the joint has a formidable lineup of entertainment choices. This time around yours truly threw his honeymoon bounty (his hard fought Wii along with a copy of Madden 08) into the mix along with the latest copy of a certain men's magazine that rhymes with "Hayboy". Good times were in town.

The outdoor grill is a staple at the HEB house when the Knights roll in with their choice slabs of meat and tonight was no time to stray from the norm. HEB also traditionally turns out a bevy of amazing sidedishes and, once again, he did not disappoint. Corn on the cob and an amazing salad were just a few of the lovely accompaniment to the main feature.

After the hearty greetings, the din of conversation started up as the Knights got caught up with each other after an eventful summer that featured two of the Knights getting married. The conversations included but were not limited to:

1. The perception of a few lecherous older gentlemen at RMD's wedding. Were some Knights being overly protective or were the old coots really undressing their girlfriends with their eyes?!?

2. The Knights who had seen the Simpsons movie chimed in with their opinion. Without giving away any spoilers for those who hadn't seen the movie, the reviews were overwhelmingly positive.

3. It seems that the better halves of many of the Knights have taken it upon themselves to start up an event for the ladies on those knights when SteaKnight happens. It is officially called Mind Meld but the Knights have taken to derisively referring to it as Mind Melt and Cheese Melt.

4. RMD told how the events of his wedding Viagra played out. He was guaranteed a small supply from an acquaintance that never materialized and was probably much better off trying his luck at naturally producing romantic results on his honeymoon.

5. The topic of a hair-off between HEB and MPH, two of the least hirsute Knights, was considered. Prizes and terms of the competition were not determined; it might've been because of the lack of willing judges for the downstairs part of the competition.

6. JLM revealed that he once cut his hair for 3 years with the scissors on his jacknife. Although he claims he was successful this is highly discouraged by 9/10 Knights.

7. For the fourth SteaKnight in a row JLM brought up the topic of manscaping. Many Knights found this a great chance to take a short nap in order to catch a second wind so they could finish SteaKnight strongly after a long tiring day at the office.

8. The night was punctuated by many "man-chants". These are typically words or phrases that are repeated with increasing volume as your fists pound the table in conjunction with the barking of of each syllable. When RMD told a very involved story about his 81 in golf the man-chant of "Eight-tee-one" erupted. It's not clear if the man-chant began to get him to stop the story or whether it was just extreme enthusiasm and excitement for golfing success.

Another man-chant of "des-sert" was appropriate when HEB brought out the delicious dessert...a huge chocolate cake accompanied by heaps of strawberries!

The Knights then adjourned to the living room to continue the threads of conversation. RMD and ATG continued their heated game of Wii football as the Steelers battled against the Packers. The "Hayboy" was thoroughly reviewed and discussed before the Knights started to depart and make their way home.

Attendees:

HEB (thirteenth Knight)

STB (twelfth Knight)

ATG (twelfth Knight, first FalseKnight)
RMD (eleventh Knight, first FalseKnight)

JLM (eleventh Knight)
MPH (tenth Knight)

SteaKnight: Thirteenth Knight, 7.19.2007

The thirteenth gathering of SteaKnight appeared to live up to the superstitions surrounding the ill-fated number. A good majority of the Knights were unable to attend the evening (another BYO night at HEB's house) for various reasons. Your humble correspondent was out for the evening because he was on his honeymoon with his beloved so a full accounting of the evening wasn't possible. At one point yours truly did receive a text message from HEB mentioning something about "SteaKBitches" so perhaps the evening is better left under the cloud of obscurity.

Attendees:
HEB (twelvth Knight)
ATM (eleventh Knight)
ATG (ninth Knight)

SteaKnight: Twelfth Night, 6.28.2007

The first year anniversary of SteaKnight arrived and there could be no more appropriate place to gather than the house of our founder, HEB. When SteaKnight began twelve whole months ago, it was discussed as to whether or not it would be a appropriate to do B.Y.O. nights during the summer months. HEB was kind enough to offer up chez HEB for the first of what is sure to be a traditional summer classic. The house was the perfect gathering place for the gang of rowdy Knights, what with the video games and foosball table providing an outlet for the exuberant energy of the lads.

In the weeks leading up to the evening JB was kind enough to offer to make the run to pick up Fred Steak for any of those Knights who would like to splurge on this luxury cut of marinated tri-tip.

As the Knights arrived (with RMD and STB bringing up the rear action guard after a long hot spat between RMD and his paramour over wedding planning) the grill was hot out on the front porch and the slabs of meat were jumping on and off the hot spot as the Knights attempted to create their idea grilling perfection. HEB outdid himself as the perfect host, serving up a host of tasty sides and topping it all off with a delicious chocolate lava cake about which ATG emotionally exclaimed "I would pay $12 in a restaurant for this dessert".

MK made his SteaKnight debut in good fashion. The Knights split the costs of beers and the sides and patted their sated stomachs as the raucous shouts of the foosball table spilled out into the cooling San Francisco evening.

Happy First Birthday SteaKnight!

Total bill: $120 + BYO Steak

Attendees:

HEB (eleventh Knight)
STB (eleventh Knight)

ATG (tenth Knight, first FalseKnight)
JB (tenth Knight)
RMD (tenth Knight, first FalseKnight)

JLM (tenth Knight)

ATM (eighth Knight)

FH (fifth Knight)

MP (second Knight)
MK (first Knight)

SteaKnight: Eleventh Night, 5.17.2007

May was a high end month for the Knights and as they neared the one year anniversary of the "third Thursday" tradition they selected the relatively new Lark Creek Steak at 5th and Market.

HEB and yours truly rode to the event together and ended up parking around 6th and Mission. As they left the car they were hoping that the car was there when they returned and they also hoped they would make it back to the car. The neighborhood quickly turns to the dark side along 6th street.

The restaurant had reserved quite a long table for the Knights which made it difficult for all of the Knights to fraternize with one another. As the waiter introduced himself and started rambling through his lengthy introduction, small classes of lemon basil soda water arrived and were perfect for cleansing the palette. The waiter's introduction and description of the menu, the history of the restaurant and the method for cooking steaks continued in a Russian novel-esque fashion. It was certainly the most verbose introduction to a restaurant and its menu that we've experienced to date.

Many of the Knights had started to glaze over as the epic menu description wound to its conclusion. Therefore, it was a welcome change to have a little relief from the slightly overbearing waiter. Various threads of conversation started up, with the north end of the table, focusing intently on discussing manscaping (lead by JLM who had a "very good story" about manscaping) in their outdoor voices. The other end of the table was giving HEB a hard time for his strong preference of the "upstairs" on a woman as opposed to the "downstairs". HEB tried to divert the conversation and talk about how his dad has lately been having him drink Manhattans but the proverbial cat was already out of the bag as the nearby Knights discussed his preference in disbelief. As HEB unsuccessfully tried to qualify his preference, the Knights moved on to discuss:

1. Since we have a significant number of Jews in the group, should the 13th SteaKnight be a Jewish SteaKnight?
2. It came out that MPH had never shaved his legs before and he "had no knowledge of this".
3. JB discussed his beard shaving technique.
4. The armpit...an ersatz vagina?
5. HEB revealed that he had caused his roommate to break down in tears regarding the addition of his Twilight Zone pinball game to their already formidable arsenal of existing video games. Wait until she sees where he puts the 4 person Gauntlet coin-op.
6. Once the manscaping conversation became entirely unbearable, the other end of the table started mocking the manscaping discussion with faux-shocking statements like "If we all ended up in baby oil, I would be pissed if you weren't manscaped!!" This was downhill movement.
7. Your humble correspondent presented each member in attendance with an enigmatic multiple choice question that will be soon be posted in this very space.

After the manscaping conversation had reached a crescendo and considering that JLM almost bowled over several waiters at El Raigon in his zeal to recreate several scenes from the Borat movie, some considered making it a rule of high end that "One needs to be aware of one's surroundings". However, aside from the difficulties in enforcing this new mandate, it was also agreed upon that you can take the Knights to high end but we are truly a low end group.

At the end of the evening the waiter was quite persistent about wanting cash for the bill but many of the Knights had already produced credit cards to pay so it was settled with only a minimum of oddness.

Some concluded that the only way this SteaKnight could've been any better would be if live nude women had been present. Maybe next time.

Total bill: $1037.80.10

HEB (tenth Knight)
STB (tenth Knight)

ATG (ninth Knight, first FalseKnight)
JB (ninth Knight)
RMD (ninth Knight, first FalseKnight)
MPH (ninth Knight)

JLM (eighth Knight)

ATM (seventh Knight)

FH (fourth Knight)

MP (second Knight)
CS (first Knight)

SteaKnight: Tenth Night, 4.19.2007

As the SteaKnight tradition closes in quickly on a full year of revelry, it was time for another low end night and what better place than the venerable GrubStake. Although many locations have been subjected to fierce criticism as to whether or not they are considered true "steakhouses", GrubStake was a universal consensus. Of course, with the Knights nothing can be totally straightforward so after dickering back and forth about the time the Knights finally had their date set in stone.

What the Knights immediately found most interesting about GS was the strong Portuguese influence on the establishment. Many a thirsty Knight took advantage of this by tipping back more than a couple Sagres, a Portuguese beer.

Once everyone had arrived, a semblance of order was established at the long dining table and the Knights went through the roll call. ATM was in the Crescent City, New Orleans for what many recalled to be the second time. The mood quickly grew heavy and dire as his absence for yet another SteaKnight was debated. Things blew over quickly as the excellent service swarmed in with some excellent appetizers...jalapeño cream cheese poppers! It was quite a tasty SteaKnight first.

As the Knights munched through their appetizers, several threads of conversation where heard by your alert and responsive correspondent. They were, among others:

• HEB has purchased a classic Twilight Zone pinball machine (quite the collector's item!) for a good price. There is some work to be done on the machine and he's hoping that some of the Knights can pitch in and help restore some of the niggling malfunctions that exist.
• One Knight remarked how SteaKnight has grown to be quite the diverse group. One this particular Knight we had in attendance 1 Filipino, 1 Chinese, 2 Jews and even 2 Gingers. Truly, SteaKnight is an equal opportunity affair.
• RMD and his betrothed are teaming up with some others to throw an engagement party for yours truly and his paramour. The event will feature bacon wrapped dates! Presumably the bacon will be brought in a bag to the event by HEB, who has a penchant for such duties as reflected in his contribution to most tailgate parties.
  
• RMD's bachelor party is fast approaching and a mini-SteaKnight in being considered for those who are attending. What will a Boise, ID SteaKnight entail? Watch this spot to find out soon! Also, the Knights will need to break with tradition and find another day in June to gather since many Knights will be out of town for RMD's event.
  
• MPH entered the fray will a long soliloquy on hot chocolate and it's many advantages. While not an officially approved SteaKnight beverage, it would be a sad Knight who has not quaffed their fair share of this soothing drink on a cold winter night.
• When measuring one's lady shanker, should one measure from the top or the bottom? Consensus could, unfortunately, not be reached so other sources will need to be referenced.
• It should be noted that JB has been seeing the same ladyfriend for 3 consecutive SteaKnights. Could this be love?
• HEB remained resolute in his preference of the woman's tittiano on women as opposed to her vagiliti. This still evokes a range of reactions from SteaKnights from confused stares to enraged bewilderment.

Soon the main courses arrived and conversation slowed as hungry mouths filled. Eventually your dutiful correspondent needed to relive himself of several consumed Sagres. On the way to the privy, he was fiercely interrogated by an older man and his even older female companion about the purpose and nature of our gathering. While SteaKnight is a thoroughly covert affair and its secretive nature must be defended every time the Knights gather, your correspondent apparently revealed too much to these unruly strangers as, upon his return to the table, the Knights all wanted to know why your correspondent had given up the ghost to the senior citizen ward. The Knights topped off the meal with a communal chocolate shake.

After a thoroughly enjoyable meal, the check arrived and the Knights had a surprisingly difficult time dividing up the bill equally despite the fact that there were ten Knights in attendance. When one Knight suggested moving the decimal point over one digit the response was "Which way?"

In light of aforementioned tragic breach of security the Knights kept a watchful eye about them while upon exiting this wonderful low end establishment and fading into the city night. It would not be surprising to any if the Knights ended up here on a future date, so well received was the evening!

Total bill: $339.10

HEB (ninth Knight)
STB (ninth Knight)

ATG (eighth Knight, first FalseKnight)
JB (eighth Knight)
RMD (eighth Knight, first FalseKnight)
MPH (eighth Knight)

JLM (seventh Knight)

ATM (sixth Knight)

FH (third Knight)

MP (first Knight)

SteaKnight: Ninth Night, 3.15.2007

For the high end month of March the largely fearless leader of the Knights returned to the helm and steered the Knights right into the welcoming embrace of the Argentine steakhouse El Raigon. The Knights were immediately at home with the sturdy wooden table around which they gathered. In other words, there was a good base for bearing down on some seriously delicious cuts of cattle. Five of the Knights arrived in naturally high spirits as a result of the fact that the NCAA men's basketball teams they support were still fighting for the championship...Boston College, Georgetown, UCLA and Ohio State.

When the waiter came by with an epically savorous explanation regarding the menu the Knights knew that they were in for a delectable culinary experience. Once the orders had been placed, with RMD handling the wine duties, the Knights were anxious to get caught up with recent events.

Yours truly had recently recovered from a lovely weekend enjoying all things otaku at the annual Wondercon Convention. JLM had passed by and wanted to grab a drink with your humble correspondent but, alas, the pull of the convention floor and the possibility of yet another long box treasure was too much. JLM did notice the notorious intergalactic bounty hunter Bobo Fett guarding the convention entrance. Those in the know were either too embarrassed or too polite to note the transgression against Star Wars lore.

JLM followed with a rousing tale of a recent interviewee at his company. As the events unfolded it turned out that JLM had, in fact, interviewed a long time crush of MPH. Unfortunately MPH was unable to attend on the evening but was already aware of the events. JLM then had to take several cell phone calls, which caused many at the table to wonder whether he was actually talking on his handy or was in fact weathering a stroke while hunched over the device.

The talk of the next SteaKnight, as it often does, absorbed a significant chunk of the pre-dinner conversation. This time the Knights focused on the low end requirements. Most Knights remained steadfast in their notion that the restaurant either has to be a true steakhouse or have the word "steak" on the sign. The Knights have also maintained that a lack of alcohol at any establishment disqualifies it from ever being a future SteaKnight location. However, the possibility of "bring your own" establishments came into question. The requirements for a low-end night at such an establishment was finally determined. Each Knight would have to bring one or more beers served in >24 oz. cans/bottles or a six pack that cost under $5...no small feat for San Francisco!

After the requisite discussion of future SteaKnights, the Knights got into a heated discussion bordering on the philosophical of exactly what is steak. Since, in an irony of ironies, your correspondent is not a consumer of steak, he diverted the conversation to a lighthearted topic by addressing those in attendance of the medical profession. Regarding a female patient who has lost consciousness, is it acceptable to take a wee peek at her public hair? JB stated that this is a gray area.

Since the last SteaKnight (in fact a mere day after the previous gathering!) your correspondent became engaged to a lovely lass. After a toast to the occasion, the discussions about a future stag night ensued. No definite plans have been made but whenever Knights gather in numbers it's an occasion to behold.

At this point JLM gave the Knights the full update on his bartender pursuit from S-----. It turns out that she does, in fact, have a boyfriend. But during the second visit to S----- JLM was able to secure the phone number of another attractive filly. At this point, JLM insisted that the bartender was quite attractive and he was still considering her as a target of his affection. The Knights decided to have a quick vote of thumbs up or down as to whether JLM should pursue the elusive bartender with a boyfriend or the single girl he met at S-----. The vote was, surprisingly, split.

After the vote concluded, ATG told the Knights that he felt like he had an elephant on his chest, which your correspondent found hilarious rather than tragic and concerning. JLM concurrently had another stroke/cell phone call.

In a delightful conclusion to the evening, a rousing debate about HEB's choice in female companions and his anatomy preferences in said companions materialized out of nowhere. At this time HEB clarified that the vagina is not his favorite part of the body and he is definitely more of an upstairs lad.

Once the last drips of wine found an eager palette the Knights settled the bill and filtered off into the evening to enjoy an after dinner drink at the nearby Columbus Cafe. It was yet another gem of a SteaKnight in this jewel of a city.

Total bill: $522.97

HEB (eighth Knight)
STB (eighth Knight)

ATG (seventh Knight, first FalseKnight)
JB (seventh Knight)
RMD (seventh Knight, first FalseKnight)

JLM (sixth Knight)

ATM (fifth Knight)

FH (second Knight)

Dame Update

D---- didn't call; the bartender at S---- had a boyfriend. At times life is a tainted udder.

SteaKnight: Eighth Night, 2.15.2007

It was bound to happen, but the eighth SteaKnight, while somewhat concatenated compared to other SteaKnights, was marred by more than the ghosts of brevity. First, it turned out that the Knights would be without their beloved founder and leader HEB due to his work schedule. The taint of cancellations also weighed heavily on the evening as the leaderless Knights attempted to resurrect the evening from the brink of disaster.

The evening was scheduled for Tad's Steakhouse, a venue previously considered a possibility but rendered too difficult due to the problems of holiday traffic in the Union Square area. But after the trouble of holiday shoppers subsided the Knights were unleashed on Tad's.

The orders at Tad's were taken cafeteria style much like the beloved Palace Family Steakhouse. As a result, no community bill was necessary.

There were two main topics of conversation which consumed the Knights' attention on this night. The first was that of JLM's potential catch at S------. It appears that JLM was lounging about, as Knights do, with a fellow Knight, MPH, at S----- on a recent evening. While JLM was chatting up the attractive bartender, she invited him to return at some point in the future for a gratis beverage of his choice. At this point, there were a lot of differing opinions as to how to pursue the follow-up. One Knight suggested going into the bar, ordering the free drink, thanking the lovely bartender, and leaving. Many Knights are understandably fans of Neil Strauss's "The Game". Others suggested the Swingers theory, waiting before going back for the complimentary drink. As is often the case, the Knights reached no clear path of resolution but the debate was lively and passionate. We wish JLM the best.

The second hot topic of the evening was cancellations. RMD and ATG had both come up with last minute mea culpas as to why they couldn't attend; RMD had a graduate term paper to finish and ATG had too much to do with his lady coming in town for the weekend. Both were appropriately pilloried through the course of the evening. But the question of how to atone for the slight was hot on the minds of the Knights in attendance. The Knights arrived at the decision that RMD, at the next SteaKnight, should have to read his term paper in its entirety after the food arrived and before he could eat his beloved steak. It was also suggested that ATG should have to bring to the next SteaKnight a 10 minute interval accounting of how his night transpired on the evening of his cancellation. Manual stimulations on the evening in question, while assumed, would be summarily and severely penalized.

Your corespondent has taken it upon himself to apply a bit of a scarlet letter to those who have committed and then canceled their SteaKnight obligation at the last minute. Henceforth, Knights who cancel on the sacred night will be designated with a "FalseKnight" status in their permanent record.

It's a testament to the fact of the brotherhood that a gathering of Knights can be fun regardless of the prevailing circumstances. Kudos to the Knights in attendance who were able to gather under what is unargualbly the best sign yet of any steakhouse attended...Tad's Steakhouse.


STB (seventh Knight)
MPH (seventh Knight)
JB (sixth Knight)
JLM (fifth Knight)
ATM (fourth Knight)

SteaKnight Success

Due to the fact that the burgeoning SteaKnight group is now showing up in second place when the search term "SteaKnight" is entered into google, we will no longer be publishing in advance the location of future SteaKnights. The Knights in their current form are unable to deal with over-zealous paparazzi and therefore would prefer to enjoy their steaks in quietude.

SteaKnight: Seventh Night, 1.18.2007

The lads found themselves at yet another high end establishment for the month of January and what a high end it was. The vanguard party enjoyed an after work drink at the bar while waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. Once the party was seated the conversation broke down into smaller pods of conversation that yours truly, as the hard working correspondent, had trouble assessing. Still, while attempting to stay on top of the wide ranging conversation, the main threads that developed were captured.

As is tradition, the next SteaKnight location was the first topic of conversation. While never exactly reaching a conclusion, it always proves to be a fun topic to toss about, disqualifying certain steakhouses based on such harsh criteria such as their sign not mentioning "steak" while welcoming others for, at times, equally notable minutiae. One must understand that this is a rather new group with an evolving tradition that is still being defined, much like those beginning stages of an igneous rock formed millennia ago in the fire belly of the earth. It is not entirely unlike those days during the forming of our fledgling American democracy those centuries ago where hotheads and firebrands wielded their ideas passionately as if the very future of the earth hung in the balance of their words. After the monthly inconculsion concerning the next SteaKnight location was reached, the conversation moved onward.

At this time RMD gave a play by play breakdown of the recent Tostitos Bowl overtime Boise St. win over Oklahoma, which sounded like a truly exciting affair. For their effort Boise St. finished their season undefeated and netted a 5th place finish in the final rankings. The Ohio State Buckeyes, of which yours truly is a loyal supporter, merited a discussion but didn't fare as well in their title game. Yet they still finished the season with a second place finish and a Heisman. This puts them in a three way tie for most Heisman winners by team. While some chose to denigrate your correspondent, his fury was fierce and he has recollected his diatribe here.

The conversation moved on, naturally, to the subject of abdominal prenancy. It's still unclear exactly what this is to those of the Knights without a background in the ways of medicine but, nonetheless, it is truly a gruesome occurrence to ponder.

The Knights then moved on from the world of medicine to ordering their steaks. Most noticed that the waitress named D---- was quite attractive. After the order was taken, the discussion concerned her possible availability for those of the Knights with single status.

The fact that ATM had spurned the Knights for another secret society which were assumed to be the Knights of Malta weighed heavily on the evening. Granted, the SteaKnights are still a fledgling society but the second class status was nonetheless painful for the Knights in attendance. FB was not in attendance since he was going to be on Chinese TV that evening...a reason that most Knights found much more palatable. Shortly after this ATG revealed to the Knights that he is a notary public but "doesn't really know how to do it". We are, for the most part, pleased with our brethren.

The food soon arrived and there was great confusion as to the contents of the meal from yours truly. Were those land scallops or man scallops (read testes) atop the salmon? It ended up being a truly delightful meal of perfectly broiled wild salmon covered in baby scallops but your humble correspondent may never live down the fact that he doesn't consume the cow.

While the Knights enjoyed their meals the topic of the the finer sex (as it often does) came to the forefront. Particularly interesting to the Knights on this evening was the subject of women who appear wondrous in certain settings yet terrible in others. It often seems to hinge on the time of day, at which time a Knight put forth the theory of day variance. Another posited the theory of the Darryl Hannah complex. Our loyal readers will be left to determine which is more accurate.

Both JB and JLM showed up sporting new facial hair styles. JLM had shaved his goatee and was going "clean" while JB was sporting a fresh sprouted beard which befitted his profession.

When it came time for the after dinner drinks several Knights ordered tasty desserts. Others opted for a digestif such as the Cockburn and Dry Sack. It's funny because one of the names of the drinks is a slang term for a willy and the other is patois for the scrotum. We are truly boys in every sense of the word.

During the latter part of the dinner the group was obsessing about the lovely lady D---- who was waiting on the table. Given that several of the lads are currently single, it made sense that the strategies for JLM to secure a date with the lass was of utmost priority. The advice ranged from the practical, such as leaving a beetleskin with one's number on it, to the artistic, such as drawing a "good" picture of a vagina. It was impossible to determine who would be the most talented at the latter. JLM ended up giving her his number in the hopes that she would attend a birthday party for HEB that weekend.

Most of the Knights adjourned to the Holy Grail around the corner for an after dinner drink. On the way MPH donned some very elaborate earmuffs that wouldn't muss his admittedly nice hair. The conversation revolved around whether D---- would call JLM. The estimates ranged from the more optimistic 100% to the more pessimistic, the crowd in which your correspondent was a member, 0%.

It was, nonetheless, another fun SteaKnight and all the Knights walked away into the San Francisco night looking forward to future SteaKnights.

HEB (seventh Knight)
STB (sixth Knight)
RMD (sixth Knight)
ATG (sixth Knight)
MPH (sixth Knight)
JB (fifth Knight)
JLM (fourth Knight)

Total bill: $501.31